Sunday 6 May 2012

Perfunctory preamble

I don't want to sound like a bitch or anything but your voice grates at my ears like a drunken mosquito and for all that I’ve been trying to figure out what you’re saying, you speak about as much sense as a kicked cat. Every time I look at your face I fly into a fit of rage wishing someone would finally flush that used toilet paper you carry around atop your neck.

I don't want to sound homosexual or anything but I would totally fuck that guy over there. Look at his abs, I’d love to be looking at them from an inch away while I showed him all about fellatio. I’d have no problem if his hands were pulling back my shoulders from behind while I was bent over examining the floor.

I don't want to sound like I'm prying or anything but what do you think about when you masturbate and do you do it often? Do you trim your pubic region and have you ever had an STD? How much money do you make in a year and do you have any debts? Do you mind if I watch you while you go to the bathroom so I can see how you do it?

I don't want to sound homophobic or anything but I wish that faggot wouldn’t stand so close to me, I can almost smell the depravity. Do you feel like you have to wash yourself when you shake hands with one of them too? I can almost hear Jesus dry-retching when one of them skips about in front of me.

I don't want to sound racist or anything but most of them are criminals, those filthy foreign monkeys. I always keep my hands in my pockets and watch my stuff closely when they come anywhere near me. It’s lucky that their colour is different, it gives me warning that they’re more likely to steal something than other people.

I don't want to sound like I'm preaching or anything but the Bible say that we should lay ourselves before God and ask forgiveness for our sins. You shouldn’t drink that alcohol because Jesus gets the hangover. You shouldn’t touch yourself and you shouldn’t lie, like you did just now about touching yourself.

I don't want to sound like a sexist, bigamist, pacifist, fundamentalist, liberal, republican, abusive, ignorant idiot but you know that whatever I say after that first piece of perfunctory preamble will so heavily label me what I said I wasn’t, that it is wasted breath to have even included it.

If you say you don’t want to sound like something, why not try to back up that statement?

I don't want to sound like a grammar nazi but did you know I really like sunflowers? The way they follow the sun makes me smile.

Too often people think a piece of perfunctory preamble grants them immunity from responsibility for their statement.

Say what you want but don’t think expressing a desire to not sound like an idiot, makes you sound any less of an idiot.


  1. Mate, this is so true. It's just like the suffix statement "No offense", which for some reason grants the person free license to hang all kinds of shit on you, but you're not permitted to be offended.

    1. Agreed, "no offence" is even worse because it comes AFTER the overtly insulting words. At least with the preamble, you are ready for the tripe that is about to be delivered.

  2. I don't want to sound like I am disagreeing or anything, but no.