Wednesday 2 May 2012

An open letter to the weather (Dramatic reading)

Yes, you. Stupid weather.
Dear Atmosphere,

My name is Luke and I have been a consumer of your products for the last twenty seven years. Although some of the points I raise in this correspondence may resonate with more of your customers than myself, I cannot claim to speak on behalf of anyone else. When I find myself having a problem with a service provider, I prefer to contact the provider before I speak ill of them. So this, Atmosphere, is a detailing of the issues I have been experiencing with your service recently and your chance to rectify or explain them for me.

My major concern — and this point probably encompasses all the problems that follow — is the inconsistency of your branding and product offering. I understand the need for subtle, some times even radical, changes to policy and services provided but it seems that whomever is running your Research & Development operation is pandering to more markets than you’re able to adequately handle.

I do not object to change and in some cases I even welcome it with open arms. However, it seems that every time I get comfortable with your new catalogue of weather patterns, they’re removed from my region and only become available to other parts of the world. Sure, there will be the odd special you release from time to time like that “Highland Snow” feature you had for a week last Summer but Atmosphere, I am a creature of habit. I like to know what to expect when I use your services each day. At the moment I can never be sure what is on your menu.

My next point is similar to the above but relates to the more immediate, acute inconsistencies. Last Thursday, I enjoyed one of your “Crisp, sunny winter morning” packages. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that it prompted me to add on one of your ancillary services “Clothes Drying”. I completed a few loads of washing but low and behold, when I went to use that service I was informed that not only had that service been withdrawn, replaced by your “Salubrious Saturation” sale, I found out that you’re not offering “Clothes Drying Sunshine” again until Thursday (today) of the following week! I want to be a regular customer Atmosphere, but how can I make plans to use your “Lazy outdoor afternoon” rates when I don’t know when, or if you will offer them again?

My last gripe is about the quality of your offerings from year to year. (Notice a theme based on inconsistency here?) I want to recommend you to my friends but how can I do that when the last “Summer” I got from you was so poor? The one I had before the last was quite possibly the best I’ve had with no exception so you can imagine my disappointment when my most recent acquisition failed to impress. Also, I had been warming to your “Winters”. The last few I have had from you seemed to contain a lot less chilly. I now have a “Winter” from you that is so full of chilly that I’m not sure if I will be able to finish it.

Atmosphere, I hope that I don’t come across as an unreconcilable customer. I have seen the brilliance that you are able to deliver. I just want to have some idea of what I am going to get from you each day. I would also appreciate a refund of the “Weekend BBQ” I reserved only to find you had replaced that deal with “Widespread Waterlogging”.

I will look forward to your reply and sincerely hope that our working relationship blossoms in the future — I have been following the development of your “Spritely Spring” for some time now.

Kind regards,


PS: I know that you don’t deal too much with the home atmosphere market but I was wondering if you could refer me to someone about bathroom humidity? My mirror was so foggy today that I missed an embarrassingly large patch on my face when shaving. Thanks.

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