I did it

Heh heh. Suckers!

I have a confession to make. Forgive me if I waffle, but admissions of guilt come as easily to me as vaginal orgasms — which is to say that until someone learns how to give a guy a vaginal orgasm, I will have trouble admitting I am wrong.

I did it.

Yes. Please take a moment to collect yourself and fetch your pitchfork and hatin’ fire.

I did it. Everything. You curse it, I did it.



The alarm clock that went off this morning, the one that pulled you out of your amazing dream? I was there watching it all night making sure that it sounded at the exact moment you were ready to forfeit your real life for your slumbering one.

You know how you slept in this morning because your alarm clock didn’t go off? That was me too. As soon as you fell asleep, I crept into your room and either turned the volume down or turned it off completely depending on which was easier.

Because I am lazy.

You know that dog shit you stood in on the walk to the bus stop? That bin that you couldn’t fit your McDonalds wrapper in to? That chewing gum on the park bench? I left them all there because I am too lazy to give a fuck about doing what is expected of me, what is environmentally correct and what I am paid for.

I cut you off in traffic today. I programmed all television stations to ensure nothing you enjoy was broadcast and then when you finally settled on a channel, I made sure there were more advertisements than actual program . I delayed your train, your flight, your bus and your doctor’s appointment. I changed the traffic lights to red or to green depending on whether you were running late or running early.

I made your children fat. I made your teenagers think they were fat. I changed all the words in nursery rhymes to be politically correct — unless you thought they were fine in which case I changed them all to be offensive. I taught your kids to swear, set them up with violent video games, gave them no context for either, and let them out into the world with only the games and my curse words as guidance.

I started wars, I smuggled people over borders, I lobbied to let the smuggled people stay while demanding they be sent home. I trafficked drugs, I sold drugs, I used drugs and I outlawed drugs.

I sentenced people to life in prison and I executed them. I created banners both for and against abortion. I am a Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Seven Day Adventist Buddhist with Hindu, Islamic, Taoist Druid tenancies and I support everything you hate and oppose everything you believe in.

You name it I did it. Every single piece of hate you feel should be directed right at me. I did it it all. I am the cause for all of your pain, all of your sorrow, all or your hardships and none of your joy.

This confession is long over due and I think it only fair that I finally came out as the person whom you can rightfully point your finger at.

I did it all. Everything you can think of, I did it.

Now step back and take a fresh look at the world, everything you feel slighted by, wronged by, sorry for, angry about, upset over.

That was me.

Now … Look at everyone in the world knowing it wasn’t their fault, it was mine.

I deserve your fucking outrage, your hatred, your condemnation. The world out there was never out to harm you,  I was.

Step out into the world that is completely neutral, breathe the untainted air and gaze upon everything without prejudice. If something happens that is not to your liking remember that it was me, and direct your fury this way.

Smile because the world does not have it in for you and it never did -- it was all me.